TIE-TC 170: Barn Yard Beatings

Battle Information

Game platform: TIE Fighter
Missions: 5
Release date: 2001-04-15
Last updated: 2003-09-09

COL Beef

Average rating 3.9
Reviews: 14
Bug reports: 0
Times completed: 167
Patches used: None
Battle Medal: Bovine Farms Employee of the Month Award

Battle Reviews

CM Zeke Freeman



I really disliked this battle. The humor was... stale.. the missions were long, boring, and irritating. (I don't wanna wait 10 minutes for a TRN to dock). I give it a 2 however because the idea behind the battle was good.

FA Brukhar



this battle sucks, it features good ol' 10000 waves of fighters, cap ships with starfighter orders, long waits (8 minute docking time for a TRN) among other things...not even the humor could save this battle

LC Curtis



lol! Great battle, not only well made and of a good difficulty but funny too. However it isn't a short battle, if you are looking for quick FCHG go elsewhere.

CPT Alexi Stukov



Yet another bias member of Thunder Squadron gives "Barn Yard Beatings" a 5! It was...interesting and long, very long. Got nothing to do for an hour or two? Play this battle! Didn't really like the idea of two Defedenders going up againt a factory and many smaller ships though.

GN Mark Schueler



The humour is the only thing preventing me from giving this battle a 0. a couple of missions have bugs in

CPT Talas



Beautiful plot and funny as hell in parts. However I came off with a VERY bad impression of this battle. I'm not sure why but this battle just seemed sloppy. I think it was the second and the last missions that did it. Oh and I don't mind CRV's with Capital ships orders but an ISD just looks damn stupid.

CPT Dujhod




COL Shadow



Great battle! Hilarious briefings. Makes you laugh up to the point where you can barely fly.

COL Beef



I get bored of the same old "What are my objectives?" briefing questions, so I made this battle with a helpful and hopefully funny briefing. I also wanted to make a battle with not just a thorough plot, but characters too. I hope you find it entertaining. It only took me an hour or so to fly (same as most other 5 mission battles in the TC). ---BTW, whoever gave rated this battle a 'zero' but didn't write a review isn't helping. If you don't tell me what sucked about it, then I can't fix it next time...

CPT Predator



FLY THIS BATTLE!! It is one of the funnest I have every flew and although it is long it is worth it.

CM Tigurius



It was hilarious!! I like the way he redid the breifing which was very creative and the missions were fun and very exciting.

COL Fenn Logan



Total comedy and highly imaginative! Someone said the battle was too long. define 'too long'. If it takes too long to finish a mission, you're seriously mismanaging your resources. Take Haevy Rockets! For when it absolutely positively have to kill something big fast. Mission 1 was a bit tough. There were more big ships than I had enough rockets to kill... :). Mission 5 is a serious excercise in situational awareness. You can just as easily smack into an enemy ship as kill it. Overall, the battle was deceptively tough in areas. Thoroughly enjoyed it!

MAJ Da'emon Narshay



Outside of this battle being half-funny, that is the only thing keeping me from giving it a zero. I don't know about you folk, but I don't have 3-5 hours to sit in front of the comp and play a battle! This is horrible, if you are going to have a battle that long, there should be a disclaimer saying.."If you don't have a life, play this game!" There is no reason for a TC Battle to last that long...

COL Josh Popelka



Great battle! Funny plot, characters. Download this battle!

Battle Bug Reports

There are currently no open bug reports for this battle.

High Scores

Battle Total: 285,815 VA Oldham
Mission 1: 32,142 CM Gandalf
Mission 2: 48,907 VA Oldham
Mission 3: 115,300 VA Oldham
Mission 4: 49,025 CM Gandalf
Mission 5: 71,348 AD Keirdagh "Yacks" Cantor

Top Ten

(of available records)

1 285,815 VA Oldham 2003-01-29
2 176,932 LCM Josef Hassan 2004-12-13
3 106,257 COL Dirty Vader 2004-10-27
4 102,606 COL Mouse Droid 2004-12-13
5 90,826 MAJ Deleted Member 2003-05-12
6 82,815 VA Kane Reese 2004-12-23
7 64,922 CPT Maw'la 2003-04-26
8 61,197 CPT Firzam Coldsteel 2004-08-02
9 56,609 VA Locke Setzer 2003-07-22
10 54,068 CM Zeke Freeman 2005-01-08

Battle Completion Statistics

This battle has been flown by 155 pilots a total of 163 times.

IMPORTANT: 1)Briefing questions are important to the plotline. Be sure to read both     	          	pre- and post-mission questions.
	      2)In flight messages are also important to the plotline. If you miss what 		a character says during the mission, press "L" to pause the game 		and quickly see what was said. 
                   3)For many of the missions, you are flying in a ship with a blue IFF 		code, not an Imperial one. Don't shoot down blue ships, they're on 		your side and you'll lose points.

Title: Barn Yard Beatings
# of Missions: 5
Game Platform: TIE Fighter
Author: 	Commander Beef
	FL/CM Beef/Thunder 3-1/Wing X/ISD Challenge
	BS/PC/ISMx5/MoT-gh/CoB  {IWATS-SM/2}  [T/D Mad Cow]   [DRAG]   
	Zayin 3-3   }:(:) -moo

Required patches
* none

Installation instructions
1] Double click the .EHM file, the EH Battle Launcher will install the battle
2] Check the Misc folder in your TIE95 one for additional material like patches, sounds etc.
3] Press the TIE Fighter button on the EHBL to start the game
4] Create a new pilot and fly the first battle



  "Gee, I'm sorry," apologized the four-year-old Mr. Bovine.
  "My ice cream!" Tears formed at the corners of Mr. Bovine's classmate, Walnut McChicken, as he looked at the ground in dismay as his bright orange ball of ice cream slowly spread out into a pool around the emerald blade of grass. "You're not nice!"
  "It was a acc'dent, Walnut." The little Mr. Bovine was felt bad for knocking Walnut's ice cream in the grass, but he didn't mean to, of course.
  "I'll get you back! I will!" shouted Walnut as he ran off crying.

*Thirty-one years later.*

  "You bought a WHAT?"
  "An escort carrier," Mr. Bovine told his wife rather quietly.
  "W-w-where did you get money for that? Those things are huge! I know Bovine Farms is doing well, no customer complaints and all, but we're not rich!"
  "It's not a fully equipped battleship. None of the laser turrets work and most of the insides have been stripped out. I got it cheap!"
  "Still, there's lots of metal to pay for in one of those!" Mrs. Bovine was now pacing the kitchen of their large farm house. It was fairly late and the moon light filtered in through the windows. Mr. Bovine had chosen this time to tell his wife of his plan because the kids would be asleep. He'd hoped she'd control her temper rather than wake the children; it wasn't working. "Now tell me where you got the money!"
  "I had to sell our T-47s."
  That really got her angry. "Our airspeeders?! How in the galaxy are we supposed to protect our farms and treasury from raiders if we don't have any blasted fighters?"
  "Calm down, dear. I've got everything worked out. First, we can make some money back when I tear out most of the floors and sell the metal for scrap..."
  "Tear out the floors?"
  "Yes, I'm going to turn the whole thing into a farm. We won't have to worry about drought or flood or bugs or anything! I'll have complete control over the weather inside of the ship. Of course we'll have to move everything up into space, but once we get the farm up and running, we'll have more land to farm on and no risk of having a bad year for the crops."
  "I guess that sounds like it'd work..." his wife consented, "Blast! You make everything sound so easy!"
  "I told you not to worry," Mr. Bovine reassued her, relieved she was convinced his little endeavor could work, "Now I only have to replace the airspeeders I sold with some starfighters."

  "7,000 credits for THAT? It's not even heavily armed!"
  "Sir, this craft is hardly used, top quality. 7,000 credits is a deal. But I'll be willing to lower it to 6,800." The salesman really had no hope of striking a deal with Mr. Bovine. Starfighters weren't exactly Bovine's expertise.
  "It's still just a flying triangle with two flashlights on the sides."
  Being knowledgeable about starfighters, you try to convince your father to take the offer, "Dad, this is an A-wing! It's one of the fastest starfighters around. 68 hundred credits is a steal!"
  "No...I still don't think so. I want something with lots of firepower to scare off pirates. Besides if I bought that, I wouldn't have any money left for anything else; that escort carrier was rather expensive." Mr. Bovine was wondering if his portable farm idea was really a good idea. He didn't know starfighters where so expensive. The group moved on, shearching the large sales hangar for another, cheaper, fighter. "Ah, now this is more like it!"
  "Yes, sir, a Y-wing does fit more to your tastes. Two lasers, two ion cannons, and two warhead launchers all up in front," said the salesperson.
  "Oh, Dad, not a wishbone! You might as well fly a rock!"
  As usual, you are being ignored. "Looks good. How much?" asked Mr. Bovine.
  "Well..." the salesperson answered, "it's shields are only half way efficient...3,000 credits."
  "Deal! Anything else, sir?"
  "What can I get cheap?" questioned Mr. Bovine.
  "There's that over there," said the salesman pointing to an old Imperial gunboat, "It's seen an awful lot of combat. The warhead launchers are jammed, the hyperdrive is fried, and the shields don't work at all. But if you only want it for patrol duty for a farm..."
  "An Assualt Gunboat. New gunboats aren't sold to anyone except the Empire, that means all gunboats, including this one, have Imperial IFF software."
  "What are you talking about, son?"
  "Well, IFF (Identify Friend or Foe) software on Imperial starfighters is a little...glitchy if you change the IFF codes. Sure, you can get it to broadcast a non-Imperial signal that shows up neutral on most sensors, but the gunboat won't be able to receive certain info from allied ships. Meaning, it won't be able to ID friendlies without inspecting them."
  "Son, we won't be in battles. That won't really matter."
  "Just thought you'd like to know," you said sheepishly.
  "I'll buy it, too. How much?"
  The salesperson was shocked. "You want to buy it? Why?--I mean...700 credits, sir."
  "750 credits, but you'll paint both the Y-wing and Gunboat in blue and with our business's logo."
  Well at least you father didn't pay too much for the piece of garbage.

*Months later*

  The escort carrier farm idea had been a huge success and profits were just starting to come rolling in. And, as luck happened, you father inherited a small abandonned platform from his family. He set up base there and parked the escort carrier farm named Agri right next to his newly aquired platform. Then he moved all the farm animals into the platform and left the Agri solely for crops. With the new money, you father hired some more workers who live on the platform with your family (there's more than enough room for thrice as many people as you father hired), and he hired a corvette and its crew to help beef up security around his now booming business. Still no new starfighters though. All he said he needed were the less-than-half working Y-wing and Gunboat and this Z-95 Headhunter that he'd had since he was a kid. All painted in blue, of course, the family color. The Headhunter's the only thing that worked perfectly, the problem was that it was as obsolete as two dimensional moving pictures.
   It was the middle of the night, but you weren't not tired. In fact, you were bored out of your mind. Ever since your father's company, Bovine Farms, went outer space, you've had nothing but chores to do. If you weren't on the Agri helping plant crops, you were on the platform, called the Barn, feeding or milking cows. You actually didn't mind the cows much, they were kind of fun because they were so stupid. You decided that for some midnight entertainment, you would go tease the cows.

*WARNING: reading further will spoil the plot of the battle when you play.*

  The next morning, you figured you were in trouble for the cow tipping last night. You father wanted to talk to you. He gave the standard lecture about resposibility and how you were damaging merchandise by pushing cows over while they're asleep. Blah blah blah. Then came the bad news: 
  "As punishment you're going to fly patrol in the gunboat today." What could be more boring than that! What an unfair punishment. A few loopey cows and everyone gets upset!
  No one was supposed to attack while you were patroling, but pirates ALWAYS wait for you to be flying before they come. Some evil villian came charging out of hyperspace with a bloody Carrack Cruiser and some fighters, B-wings even! The jerk destroyed your corvette, the Tarrus, then ran off!

  Your father said that the attacker was a man named Walnut McChicken. An old enemy of your father you was still made about a dropped ice cream cone thirty years afterwards. McChicken created a smuggling opperation that buys and sells illegal poultry to crime lords. The company's name was Walnut Inc. Revenge was in order.

  A family friend who was visiting told Mr. Bovine that there was a crippled Carrack Cruiser not far away. Your friend thinks it's the same one that attacked, and Mr. Bovine wants some revenge. 
  It's really difficult to execute a strike mission when none of your starfighters are hyper-capable. Mr. Bovine had to pull one of his shipping freighters off duty to act as a mothership to your three fighters. 
  "I can't believe you won't let me go, father."
  "Sorry, I know you can fly, but that gunboat has no shields, it's trash! I don't want you getting killed!" You were following your father through the hangar bay on the Barn. Everyone was preparing for the mission.
  "But who will fly my gunboat?"
  "It's not your gunboat, it's mine. And I'm going to ask Pinky Doofus to fly it...HEY Pinky."
  Pinky, not the smartest of Bovine Farms' employees, came running over. "Yes, sir?"
  "I want you to fly this gunboat. It is in excellent condition and I have the utmost confidence in your abilities."
  "Wow! Th-thank you, sir! What an honor to fly for you, sir." Pinky quickly ran to the gunboat to get ready and you followed him.
  "Hey there, Pinky," you said, "Mind if I help you get ready?"
  "Oh, thank you!" and when he wasn't looking, you knocked him out with a hypospray.
  "Sorry there, Pinky. At least this way you'll be more likely to survive the day." And with that you jumped into the cockpit.
  When your freighter popped out of hyperspace, you immediately launched from the hangar. The Carrack didn't put up much of a fight. Appearently, most of the crew, including McChicken, evacuated on the transport Evacx. On the plus side the Carrack was destroyed. However, no sooner had the last fires inside the carcass of the Carrack died out had a new attack by Walnut Inc. arrived. A Walnut freighter exited hyperspace right where you mothership freighter was and both ships were destroyed.
  "Now we've got no way home!" cried the pilot of the Y-wing.
  After that a Walnut strike cruiser and a dozen or so fighters hypered in. Your not equipped for battle, what are you going to do. Then, by a lucky twist of fate, the Imperial Star Destroyer Challenge arrives and launches Inferno, Cyclone, and Tornado squadrons to beat off the Walnut attackers. You and the two other Bovine Farms fighters, the Z-95 and the Y-wing, barely limped your way into the Challenge's hangar bay.

  The Imperials saved your live. You owed them a favor, and the commodore of the ship wanted a big favor: Help Thunder and Tempest squadrons destroy a large fleet of New Republic ships. They even upgraded and repaired all three of your fighters. The deal was that if you survived, the debt would be paid and the Imperials would take you home. 
  You easily destroyed the Rebel capital ships for the Empire, but sadly you comrades in the Y-wing and Z-95 didn't.

 The Empire brought you home as promised, and you went to talk with your father.
  "We've got to pack up, son. McChicken is sure to strike again. He's got a lot of ships! I didn't know you could get so much money selling fried chicken to crime lords! Anyway we've got enough lifters for the containers and the Agri can move on its own, but the Barn will have to be left behind."
  "I've got good news, dad. I told the Imperials of the Challenge about our escort carrier Agri. They were extremely interested. They're kind of short on food, with the war and all. They said they would help us escape the Walnut Inc. and cover our evacuation if we shared our farming technology with them."
  "Sounds like a great deal to me," Mr. Bovine agreed.
  "They've sent us two Interdictors to stop attacks from getting too close to the base and sent Typhoon squadron to help support the evacuation and transport of our equipment."
  "Excellent! Right, we're ready, let's get moving people!"

  Of course Walnut forces did attack, but the Interdictors brought them out of hyperspace early and away from your containers. The attack was realatively weak compared to McChicken's other attacks; he must have been running out of resources. After all the Walnut Inc. forces were destroyed, you noticed something odd.
  "Hey, dad. How come the Agri is broadcasting an Imperial IFF code?"
  "It's a trap for McChicken!" You father was quite excited. All the Imperial ships quickly entered hyperspace. All the containers and long since escaped, so you and the Agri and the Barn were all alone. Mr. Bovine was still on the Barn, "Quick! Come back to the Barn." You did so.
  After a short wait McChicken entered the area in the Evacx to check the progress of his attack. Seeing no ships around, he thought his forces and chased of the Bovine forces. Then he spotted the abandonned Agri and immediately attempted to steal it. Nobody was aboard so he could have just walked to the bridge and entered hyperspace with your farm, or so you thought.
  An evil smile spread across you father's face as you entered the control room of the Barn. "I've got some listening devices in the Agri. Would you care to listen to our friend's attempt at theft?" he asked.
  Then a strange rustling sound came over the comm followed by McChicken's voice:
  "What was that sound?" Then there was lots of screaming and mooing and squishing sounds!
  "Bet you didn't know you could get a cow to horribly squish your enemy, eh? Actually those were the cows that fell on their heads when you went cow tipping that one night, son."
  "Cool! But why was the Agri giving off an Imp IFF code?" you asked.
  "Now the Empire knows that Walnut Inc. is a disloyal company," explained your father, "They'll steal even from the Empire if they want. The Agri wasn't Imperial, of course, but McChicken thought it was and that shows he defies this galaxy's proper government. Now the Empire will be ready to crush the evil Walnut Inc. for good!"

  You decided to join the TIE Corps, specifically, Thunder squadron of Wing X aboard the ISD Challenge. Your first mission was to escort your father and other Bovine Farms forces to take out the last remnants of Walnut Inc. You and your father got a big thrill out of destroying your aggressive enemies, one freighter at a time!

  Now you're a true pilot! Working with loyalty for the TIE Corps! It's just the beginning of the rest of your life!


Commander Beef

Mission 1
- Set Y-W Fork and Z-95 to invincible for gameplay reasons; survival goals removed
- Added breakpoints to briefing, moved strings out of voice-occupied slots
- Grammatical fixes in briefings and radio
- Added withdrawl of CRCK, survival of M/CRV as Secondary Goals

Mission 2
- Added breakpoints to briefing, moved strings out of voice-occupied slots
- Grammatical fixes in briefings and radio
- Fixed repeating radio message
- Y-W and Z-95 stay to fight; set to obey orders
- Set player's IFF to Imperial (as to NOT reward shooting down ISD Challenge...)

Mission 3
- Added breakpoints to briefing, moved strings out of voice-occupied slots
- Grammatical fixes in briefings and radio
- Set player's IFF to Imperial
- Wingmen obey orders
- Doubled player warheads
- Increased amount of Imperial craft

Mission 4
- Deleted excess radio messages
- Set player's IFF to Imperial
- Added breakpoints to briefing, moved strings out of voice-occupied slots
- Grammatical fixes in briefings and radio

Mission 5
- Removed survival condition for wingman after he kept crashing; added message for wingman's destruction
- Added breakpoints to briefing, moved strings out of voice-occupied slots
- Grammatical fixes in briefings and radio

by CPT Calvin Nunb (#2407) 3.7.01

-Mission 4 corrected
CMDR/CPT Linkan/Praetorian/DGN Lichtor V